'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? ~George Carlin
I Am Language Sentence
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ~George Carlin
Organization Atheism
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. ~George Carlin
Pet Sweat Petty
Electricity is really just organized lightning. ~George Carlin
Funny Electricity Just
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. ~George Carlin
Funny Soul Die
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ~George Carlin
Driving You Idiot
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. ~George Carlin
People Believe Authority
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. ~George Carlin
Doctor Better Building
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. ~George Carlin
Thinking People Me
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. ~George Carlin
Purpose Me Defeat
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. ~George Carlin
You Beat Beaten
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. ~George Carlin
Cynical Person Inside
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. ~George Carlin
Circus You Monkey
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. ~George Carlin
Funny May Evil
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. ~George Carlin
Three Two Floor
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. ~George Carlin
People Care Think
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. ~George Carlin
Work Time People
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. ~George Carlin
Live Bad Reason
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. ~George Carlin
Myself Accept Reason