Best Collection of Artie Lange Quotes

Artie Lange, American Actor ( October 11, 1967 - )

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I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I wanted to do was play short stop for the Yankees from the time I was about 5. Then I turned 15 and realized how silly that was and just gave up on it.~Artie Lange

Time Short Doctor

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.~Artie Lange

Life My Life Whiskey

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.~Artie Lange

Business I Am Play

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.~Artie Lange

Happiness Time Sadness

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.~Artie Lange

Morning Day Laugh

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.~Artie Lange

You Sometimes Moderation

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.~Artie Lange

Vegas Christian Weekend

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.~Artie Lange

Dark Artist Wish

When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But the worst trick time plays on you is just how slowly the worst times in your life take you to live through.~Artie Lange

Life Time Good

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.~Artie Lange

Time Political Career

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.~Artie Lange

Good Sleep Road

Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.~Artie Lange

God Thank God Financial

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.~Artie Lange

Funny Nothing Want

Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak you fell from, do you truly know how small you are and understand how tall you used to be.~Artie Lange

Life Small You

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.~Artie Lange

Death Me You

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.~Artie Lange

Funny Greatest World

When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard to find on a map, but that they also use the names of seasons as verbs. When they asked me, 'Where did you summer and winter growing up?' I would usually say, 'As a child? The same place I springed and autumned.'~Artie Lange

Time Summer Child

When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.~Artie Lange

Life Job You

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.~Artie Lange

You Movies Say

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.~Artie Lange

Life I Am My Life

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.~Artie Lange

People Yourself Die

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.~Artie Lange

Vegas Go Kind

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.~Artie Lange

Time Hope Age

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.~Artie Lange

Going Ever Wants

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.~Artie Lange

Money Star Now

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.~Artie Lange

Life God Me